There Must Be More

We had our meeting about the CD today - and I began to recognize familiar signs in me. And then I talked to Paul about some things that only confirmed my realizations. I'm an extremely prideful person. There is no end to the extent of my pride.

I never quite realized how hard it would be, living for Christ. I never fully understood what "counting the cost" truly meant. Doing the right thing continues to get harder and harder.

Tonight I watched a movie called "Swing Kids" with Katie. It's about these young germans who would not go with the Hitler Jugend - "Hitler Youth" - kinda like our ROTC. How this kid stood up for what was right even when it meant sure death. Although some may scoff at this, there is coming a time when the church will be persecuted as well. Am I ready for that? If I'm having trouble with the tribulations that God has placed on me now, how will I ever stand when it truly means going against the grain. About not caring what anyone says to me or about me.

It's interesting that Paul brought that up tonight while he was talking to me - about not caring what people say behind my back or even to my face. He also talked about how easy it is and how even more important it is for me to spend time with God. There are things that I do that are easy to fall to...and he told me that when those temptations come, don't ask the Lord to give me power to overcome them, but to ask the Lord what is it that I've done that He doesn't like. When I am with him, temptation can not defeat me...it's when my pride rises up and Ive opened a door somewhere that I lose that protection. So when I get the urge to do those things I know I'm not supposed to, I need to stop and ask the Lord what He's trying to show me...and I want to be more diligent in doing that.

So my task now? To be satisfied in all circumstances, be them good or bad. Accept what the Sovereign Lord has placed me in for the moment and know that He has better. Believe that these difficult times will not always last because "He never leaves me nor forsakes me" and "He will complete the good work He started in me" - and last but not least, I am His child and He longs to give me good things. Those things will come in time along with my answer to prayer - but first I must learn to praise Him and not complain in the hard times. They happen to everyone - "It rains on the just and the unjust"...but the difference is that I have hope. I don't know how much longer I will have to endure this kind of pressure or this kind of struggle. But I do know that I will be rewarded with God's presence in greater measure the more obedient I come.

I know Paul must be getting frustrated with me - to go and ask for prayer for the same thing all the time...but praise God the Lord has given Him patience...and thank you Jesus that YOU have patience with me.

And on to more physical problems - my blood sugar after not eating for about 2 to 3 hours yesterday was 146. That's double what everyone elses was just about. Know what that means? I'm over-taxing my pancreas...and well on my way to diabetes. The Lord tried to warn me...but I haven't taken care of myself as He asked. And so it's never too late. I have to start doing what He asks. I've bought a ton of salad stuff, so I intend to eat all of that htis week that I can. But the sad thing is that I'm still not managing my money well. The Lord will help me in this - I know He will. I go before Him day and night asking Him for help and for a second job. I believe He will help me to save and to pay back everyone that I owe. Including my mother - she has given me so much...and I have decided to start saving money to take her to Israel. That is her dream...and since she's done so much for me, that's what I want to do for her.

Please Lord, help me to accomplish this.

Well, I'm off from work tomorrow, but I'm still going to get up at the crack of dawn and work out with Tammy *grin*. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know I need it. I saw myself in those mirrors at Nautilus and realized just how AWFUL I look. I want to fit into my clothing again. So I'm going to keep going...and i"m going to be eating an AWFUL LOT of salad in the coming weeks. And I think I'll bring my toaster oven back in so I can make some of those wraps like Lyuba was making at home. I can think of some tasty ones that I'd like to try...especially now that I also bought Tabouleh and that yummy olive spread that Holly put on a pizza crust one time.

And I miss Holly, too :(.

Oh, and did I mention that I chopped off all my hair? I did have really really long hair...but got sick of it and chopped it all off. Wow - can't believe I let Olga Bell (my hairstylist) do that. But everyone says it looks good...I pray they're not just being nice *grin*.

Anyway, I better get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow after I've gotten back from the work out and slept. Then I'm going to spend some time with God, clean the house and my clothes ;), do some stuff from the meetings, and then prepare for my work day. I'm supposed to get copy to Oleg for the Annual report, and I really need to get on that...and they're leaving for Washington at the end of the week...and I pray all that goes well for Oleg. Who knows...maybe this will be the time he returns with a future wife in mind from Washington ;). I pray the best for him :).

And again I thank the Lord for my situations. Thank you Lord for shaping me and moulding me. But for now I better get to bed. I want to pray some more before I go....

But for those who are reading this and think I'm nuts...please know that I'm not...I'm just very much in love with someone who gave His life for me because He loved ME that much. Life may not be any easier, but at least I've got Someone pulling me through...and the interseting thing is, this is only the beginning. Eternity is where it will really begin.

Life or death - eternity in heaven with love or eternity in hell without - choose.