Hiding Again

I’ve got so much on my mind today.  Again with the built up expectations and then the let downs…it seems to be the story of my life.  I get my hopes up about something and then find that I really didn’t know anything at all.

Things are strange in life right now.  It looks more and more like we’re going to close the church when the lease is up and that the Russians will move to Washington.  Olegano has a woman and will probably propose in November – PRAISE GOD!  I’m happy for him – she’s perfect for him and he feels he can finally relate.

So where does that leave me without the family that I’ve followed around for the past 7 years?  Possibly going back to school?  Possibly staying in the area for a bit?  I don’t really know.  Bill and Tammy are going to be double teaming on truck driving soon.  Maybe I SHOULD just go home and chill for a while.  Try and get back on my feet again.  I don’t know.

I’m scared to actually take the steps to go back to school – money is the biggest issue, but if it is from God, he’d make a way for everything.  I’m such an idiot when it comes to money management.  I need to be more responsible.  But if I go back home, my biggest fear is that I’m going to turn into Tracy.  I see his life and realize that I’m not that far off.  Will he ever get married?  Will he ever find someone?

Today is a hard day for me.  I’m feeling a bit depressed and confused about everything going on in my life.  If I can get out of here early, I’m jetting.  I feel like such a slacker because I’m not really getting anything done at work but blogging and a few things here and there.  Where is all of this coming from?  Is it really because I got my hopes set on something that wasn’t really there?  Let me rephrase that – I saw signs of something and evidently read them incorrectly.  Is it because I’m listening to this blame somber list?

I’m not going to lie – I feel like a complete and total idiot.  This happened last year…a little later in the year, of course, but it still happened.  So Father, take this pain and disappointment and do what you want with it.  I’m done – I can’t read these things worth crap and it’s time I stop trying.  Go on and make plans…which include getting the heck out of dodge.  There’s not going to be anything for me here soon…I thought there might have been the slightest possibility of something, but that was simply me reading too much into situations.

And what if it turns out I’m overreacting to the whole thing?  Well, maybe I am, but I’m suddenly that scared little girl again who would rather hide in the corner…so I’m going to go hide for a while.  If anything interesting happens, come and get me and I’ll come out to visit…but for now, I feel safer there.  You guys enjoy the day – I’m going to go cower for a bit *grin*.