To Everything There Is A Season

If you haven't noticed by now, I like to get on here and ramble. Not sure if the ramblings are worth reading, but they're at least giving me an outlet for the many emotions and thoughts that seem to go through me in a day, week, month, year...whatever you prefer.

Today, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 is heavy on my mind...particularly the verse 6 and beginning of 7, where it says, [V1 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heave:] "A time to gain, and a time to lose, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear, and a time to sew..."

I seem to be coming to another season of life where it's time to tear again. Not necessarily a bad thing...but I see where God is slowly separating me from things I had held onto so tightly before. It's kind of scary to be out here on my own in so many ways, but I know I'm never completely alone. I appear to be in a season of letting go in some areas and building up in others.

And I spoke to Steph (my college roommate) tonight for a good long time. I've missed talking to her :). But she made the comment that right before she met Anthony, she had finally decided that she couldn't keep looking and just reconcile herself to the fact that she had to leave it in God's hands. It wasn't the fact that she had met Anthony right after that that caught my attention. It was the "I stopped trying to find it..." that caught my attention. Have I truly done that? I think I have, but actions speak louder than words. What do my actions say? Part of me, I think, still feels like it's waiting on something more...the "next step" so to speak, which in my mind is marriage. But is that really what I want? I'm not really sure anymore. Sometimes I want the husband and the family, other times I like being single...free...my own agent so to speak :).

And reading in I Corinthians about how a woman was made from man, and man comes from woman...and then how we're all interdependent. How does that work for singles? Others say that you have to know yourself before you can marry because you'll lose who you are if you don't. Do I know who I am?

The strange thing is that I still have a desire to go home and be with my family...kinda keeps getting stronger. Which brings in the letting go part. I have strong friendships here and a church family that I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them...but at the same time, their lives seem to be moving on. Is mine? What exactly does it mean for your life to be moving on? Having a husband and then kids?

Michelle got engaged :). And the funny thing is that's how I always imagined my life. But I don't regret not getting married. There's no one that has ever come along to make me want to get married badly enough...that has been interested in me, anyway. But even as I talk about this, there's a longing that develops in my heart for that exact thing. I read somewhere in one of the hundreds of singles books I've read that that longing for a mate only grew worse, but it drove her deeper into the arms of Jesus. I see Jess grasping at relationships with her friends and busying herself so she doesn't feel that loneliness...Katie buries herself in books...all things I've done and have still come up empty with.

And in moments like these, there is such a temptation to latch on to the closest thing there is and hope beyond hope that it's God's plan because there is nothing else in sight. But that's not the answer.

So I figure it's time to stop looking. But I did that a long time ago, didn't? I don't even have the opportunity to look, really...how can you look when there's nothing to look for? And what kind of sense does it make to move simply because you want to find someone to marry? It's absurd in my mind because, #1 - I truly believe God is capable of bringing me and someone together if that's his plan for my life, and #2 - Even though Derek Prince says that Marriage is the second most important decision you'll ever make besides accepting Christ, it still isn't important enough to uproot your life to go in search for it.

So just like everything else in my life, I can't do anything about it. It's the man's choice. I'm working out and trying to lose weight to make myself attractive...but even after working out for two months, I still haven't lost any weight *shrug*. So, ultimately, that decision is not even in my hands. It's up to a man to decide if he wants me *grin*.

And *boom* we find a tender part of my heart...a small hurt, tear, scar, whatever you want to call it. It comes down to being wanted by a man. Ron, the mega volunteer man as I like to call him, mentioned that it must have hurt to send out 80 or 90 resumes and not get any word back from them...well, no, that didn't hurt all that much - I had asked God to open only one door and I kept believing he would provide even tho I was terrified. But men? Something about not being important enought to keep by one really hurts.

Ridiculous, I think, but an emotion and hurt I have none-the-less. So I'll just trust God to take care of those emotions in my life. It's hard, but I have to remember that God has a plan for my life. No matter what's happening to those people around me, God still has a plan for me.

So, Father, I can't do anything...and I'm tired of trying to make things happen in various situations. I'm going to leave it up to you Lord...and just keep going to the gym in the morning and praying to you at the church afterwards. It's fun for me and I find peace in that hour I spend with you.

Well, I need to either wrap up my time here at work or do some work and head home...they're calling for snow tonight and tomorrow and I need to get a move on, whatever happens :).

Hope you have enjoyed this blog...I'm a bit melancholy, but I know that good things are in store for me, even if it only comes after death - I have a home somewhere besides this place, and suddenly, with all the problems and troubles here, that means more to me than anything else :).

So have a blessed day, evening, or whatever it is when you read this, and God Bless :).